Through the rain, a new life begins…

So I am getting ready to accept the keys for my first home. Well, I have had several homes in my now ended marriage, but while my name was on the deeds, it turned out I didn’t really own them, and so, here I am at 57, starting anew. Four bedrooms and massive debt! It terrifies me, this endless money thing in front of me. in my previous life as a married woman, I let my husband look after the finances – well, that didn’t work out. And while I now have to deal with the reprecussions of that choice, I am still live with the fear of handling my financial responsibilities and limitations. But I think, “I see thousands of people, women and men doing this everyday – what is the basis of this fear?”

Scarcity, that fear many of us have, either from early experiences in this life (not my case) or something we have dragged with us into this incarnation, wanted or otherwise, so deeply entrenched in our psyches that we repeat the pattern over and over, in so many areas in our lives. Not just money but emotionally, spiritually too. We are parched for abundance, desperate for relief, terrified to move forward, terrified to move backwards – no safe ground. We believe that we do not deserve or have access to whatever abundance we secretively hope for.

You know my mom, one of the world’s best moms ever, use to say ‘habits were made to be broken, so get on with it’. Yup, Mom was right, I need, now more than ever, I need to break this habit. I need to not fear the energy exchange of money; i need to truly trust that I have everything I need. When I look back at my experiences in this life, I have never been let down; I have always received what I needed to carry on. Even that bad fall 10 years ago, I ended up with the best surgeon who was on call in the ER, and while, I walk kind of funky, I still have all ‘me bits’. When I lost my job at a time that I was worried about trying to keep a roof over Sydney and my heads,  another job literally popped up and it was exactly what I needed.

I’ve never really experienced scarcity so why am I courting it now? Like so many of us, the energies swirling around us are almost chaotic in their changes, confusing us as we have all hoped for a peaceful year, some freedom from 2013’s craziness. But are the energies really that chaotic or is it a last swirl before settling into patterns that achieve transformation. All the big talkers are talking transformation this year, manifestation, energy action, 5th dimension ascension – whatever the term is, it still breaks down to gently hold on and go with the ride. Wherever you’re going, is where you’ll be, so relax, trust, truly trust, not with your mouth, but with your heart. Say after me “I have always had the support I needed, now is the same. I am loved”. I am going to keep this little mantra going – I will added it to my friend, Pat’s mantra of “My heart is wide open and I am safe”.       And tomorrow, I’m getting my keys:)

 

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Thoughts under the gazebo.

  • I was driving home from work this morning, beautiful summer Saturday, thinking of going down to Port Dover for the beach this afternoon. When tears started again.  Driving is the worse for me, my guard softens under the monotony of the road and I start to cry, again.  Transforming one’s self is hard work, no pity needed or really wanted, but it is different than I thought it would be.

Pros – able bodied, a bit over the fresh date and 25 or so orthopaedic surgeries leave their mark but I can still keep up.

– smart – I can read and write in English fluently, I’m able to talk to dogs and cats and I can do my own groceries, laundry and grass.

– compassionate – 3000 years of nursing practice, 18 years of motherhood, yup, I’m compassionate.

Cons-

dont really feel great about myself, scared about the future (can I really hold this all together, can I move forward), will I be alone forever (been kind of alone emotionally for a long time.

A wonderful friend of mine said that it takes courage to transform, only the brave make the effort … The rest turn back, settle and wonder what might have been. I’m not turning back, I don’t know what’s ahead but I am never going back